Before I could defend myself he
broke through the door
grabbed my throat with both hands-
incredulous I fell to the floor
he was distracted for some reason
and let go...
while I got up on my knees to
pull myself all the way up
my heart did not feel
instead my brain raced me to
the door
He headed for the phone on the wall
and proceeded to rip it off
then went to the bedroom to destroy
the other phone as well
I slipped out the door and ran across the street
to the neighbors house automatically
knocked and it took forever for them
to answer the door
I called the police
they were there
and he got in their car
turning himself in I was told
admitting he had caused the
damage in the house
TV thrown into glass cabinet
broken dishes antiques on the floor
I called my friend and she let me
spend the night
In jail next day I went to see him
Mentally ill and out of place
malicious mischief the charge, yet still full of love
for me
and when he was not on his
medication I had no fear before
As much as I know he loves me
I still cannot trust
his big bear hugs
(I love my son more than one can ever know)
(I love my son more than one can ever know)
can be nice to receive
but what
but what
if he lunges at me again
This is so full of a mother's pain and love .... well written !!!
ReplyDeleteThe fear of what to do with a repeat of something already dealt with once. Very excellente idea and presentation.
ReplyDeleteugh....that is was your son...this is scary because you are caught between love and fear....and wanting him to be ok and afraid of what might come next....this was intense...i have been through a few break ins and i thought that was what it was but....oy....nice write...
ReplyDeletewow- what a theme and narrative. To fear our own children, maybe not fearing their actions as such, but fearing the emotional damage. Same as bri- i thought this was about a break in, but then reading the line about it being a son...damn...that was a killer blow...great take on the prompt...thank you for sharing
ReplyDeleteAn amazing amazing poem, I thought this might be a violent partner or something like that, but to realise this was your child, well that just broke me in half. So so hard. Heart wrenching, conflictual, powerful. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteThank you all..it was a knee jerk reaction to the prompt..and good to put it down on paper errr..type..it's a long story but he is maintaining now and I see him once a month..even got his GED after 25 years..but being schizophrenic, hard to focus and not be paranoid..I'm very proud of him accepting his illness finally, but still...
ReplyDeletesweet Kathy I'm speechless. what can I say to a mother's heart that she doesn't know already. on a email you told me about your son, so brave of you to write this poem. I know how it can be, I had a cousin who could be violent too. he loved me deeply but it was scary to have him home. so good your son finally accepted his illness. it's so hard to feel betrayed by our own mind. huge hug my dearest friend :) xxo
ReplyDeletewow, this is a tough piece and i am sure it must have cost you to put it on virtual paper.
ReplyDeletethank you for sharing, great work.
What a difficult and brave poem to write about an experience so tough to live through. It must be hard to fear a repeat, knowing all the damage that could be done even though he loves you.
ReplyDeleteWhat a fright and pull of emotions...That he is your son is also a tragedy, what happens next can be frightening ~
ReplyDeleteO my... this is very touching! I love the piece and also wish you inner peace as well
ReplyDeleteWow, such an intense, moving piece. Thanks for sharing this personal situation in a fantastic poetic way.
ReplyDeleteFear knows no family bounds, neither does mental illness. Horrific situation, brave write.
ReplyDeleteThis is incredibly brave and absolutely terrifying. Agh. I've been in situations with mental illness - not physically frightening, but so amazing to one that the person cannot be brought back - very very well done. k.
ReplyDeletewow....I am speechless!
ReplyDeleteSherry would identify with you so much on this. Her son is diagnosed as schizophrenic many years ago too and has been through the mill and back at times with him and yet, a mother loves her children, regardless. I don't know if you read her but here's a link to Sherry Blue Sky I'm positive she would be all too pleased to share with you.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a heart breaking read and yet, your love and proud-ness of your boys achievements shines through. At first I thought it was spousal abuse. Gripping read.
....I will check...it never hurts to shed some light on something a lot of people don't understand and are afraid of...reasonably so, the stigma hard to change, but it's a chemical imbalance, hereditary, insidious in that it attacks the brain and spirit...tears families apart and affects so many others..treatable but not curable..NAMI ..NATIONAL ADVOCATES FOR THE MENTALLY ILL needs help streamlining and improving the mental health care system...I appreciate each and every response...thank you.
ReplyDeleteoh my...is this real..? tough stuff and i understand the mixed emotions...not easy
ReplyDeleteoh, i wasn't expecting that! heartbreaking! one of my nephews is schizophrenic and it's very difficult on everyone. maybe someday they'll find a cure.
ReplyDelete♥
I do hope so, thanks;_)
DeleteIt is sad! You're in firm control,that't all that matters, Kathy! It isn't easy though. Brave of you to accept it as such!
ReplyDeleteHank
Not much of a choice but to face it; otherwise it would destroy me as well...he was my baby and an all around excellent student, baseball player, at the point in his life when he was just beginning to come into his own (age 15) I learned all about it, tried to not blame myself as some think it's poor upbringing. There is a light in his eyes sometimes that, his soul is there, but compromised. Thanks Hank
DeleteBrave lady you are Ma'am! Providence the AlMighty will give you strength to face the odds. When matters impinge on our flesh and blood the path will be made easier even without one realizing it. I'm sure it will!
DeleteHank
Damn - ouch! Even though the meds work better than they did 40 years ago, we've got a long way to go with this illness. And even then the person changes -- as I am sure your son has and is -- that change and loss if difficult.. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteIt's a state of ongoing unfinished grief..for the person he was and was going to be inside. Unlike physical disabilities, when one still can think and make decisions, even ski without legs or paint with one's toes if paraplegic...know the difference between right and wrong even if retarded, in order to do any one thing one has to have the ability to think about a next step before acting..it's like being wired with hookups all askew and it frustrated him so not to be able to have a 'normal' life. Thanks for stopping by Sabio.
DeleteOh, no! What a horrible situation. I hope your son has leveled out since then.
ReplyDeleteHe is stable now;)
DeleteSo sad... healing to you
ReplyDeleteThank you.
DeleteMy heart is with you. I know your love will conquer your fear, but I also know how real and valid your fear is. Blessings to you and your son.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Myrna;)
DeleteOh, I think this must be the most difficult situation...I'm so sorry. What a brave, honest write. I wish you and your son peace
ReplyDelete.
Thanks, but there are a lot of worse scenarios out there. When I think of someone who's child has cancer, or a missing child, or experiences the death of a child...they cannot be completely protected.
Deleteoh dear, this was almost difficult to read so gut-wrenching and honest. I recently read your guest post at Ana's and was blown away by it, and the photo. you're amazing. happy Sunday to you Kathleen.
ReplyDeleteMan, this is tough. I can relate--though in a slightly different way--and know the gut wrenching feeling that the love/fear can cause. It hurts.
ReplyDeleteExcellent write!
And I just was writing about fear for the weekly prompt...at least it was authentic and first hand, but was not looking for sympathy and appreciate all the thoughtful comments, thank you ;)
ReplyDeleteWow that is a situation that must be hard in every single way. Wonderful writing at your bay.
ReplyDeletescary excellent piece airing the reality of domestic violence fear … thank you for sharing this.
ReplyDeletethe personal aspect here is extremely strong. Love the conversational, story-narrative style, really draws us in to experience along with, rather than simply being told. Really strong story-telling skills and great illustration of fear. Thanks
ReplyDeleteI keep telling myself to comment on the poem not the biography, but that is so hard to do. I thank you for the comment on my poem--it was also hard to disclose the depression in me--but the articulation was like a tonic. Here, I appreciate the entire narrative from attack to arrest and safety--a detail of a moment I have yet told about myself. The ragged/irregular number of lines per stanza and beats per line parallel your topic brilliantly--have no expectations. These are my favorite lines:
ReplyDelete" while I got up on my knees to
pull myself all the way up
my heart did not feel
instead my brain raced me to
the door"
Because they speak of the guilt we can feel when we have to take a defensive position like calling the police--logic over feeling. Closing the heart at that moment was a survival instinct and a good one because of the other fear: "If I am not here who will love him?" So, "where will your heart be?" Plan it out in advance or become pro-active--those too are heart moves, love for yourself can be aided by a support group with other caretakers. Heart breaking no matter what. Strength!
...did the support group for several years..could not stick with it..but I appreciate your comments very much, Susan. Didn't realize I would get the response I did. Gee, I can write a ragged poem in no time at all...why then do I spend hours on the other forms ;-) Ha! Thank you again.
ReplyDeleteA fast moving, terrifying and heartbreaking poem.
ReplyDeleteAs I started to read this, I assumed it was a husband or lover.....that it is a son adds the element of sadness to this piece. That it is your son, makes it heartbreaking. How brave of you to share this!
ReplyDeleteMy son is actually quite brave having had most all doors closed on him since he became ill...he had promise and so had a great deal to overcome.
ReplyDeleteLike Anna I assumed we were talking about a husband - such are the stereotypes by which we run our lives. Learning that it is the son changes things and stops us in our tracks - one of the things poetry ought to do occasionally.
ReplyDeleteWhat's sad is that he missed out on so much because of the illness, hospitalizations; and cutting the apron strings so early was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Without all the story and details, suffice it to say "it takes a village" to take care of him even as
Deletea 45 year old adult. Thanks for stopping by..
Katy I'm sorry it has taken me so long to stop by your blog, I am just catching up with my blog. Your poem is so life experience and you can feel the fear rising as you read it, the body's reaction by only the brain working and the fear is touchable. I have experienced fear in threatening situations not the same as you describe but physically threatening all the same-I can relate to your poem very much. I think poetry can enable us to write and express feelings/emotion in a way as you have done here that perhaps we cannot express by speaking. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThank you for another compassionate comment ;) I'm sure you are right. In school I did not study poetry per se but now I find I can't get enough and feel a persistent urge to write like never before. It's a magical therapeutic exercise of the soul. I read your blog and find yet another introspective person aboard...becoming a touch more the extrovert. Have a great week.
ReplyDelete